There is not a manual on how to feel when this wave hits you – but writing helps me get it out. After the initial Friday shock and complete disbelief, I quickly slipped into the analytical and factual world. The consultant in me kicked in, let’s assess the situation, get the facts, probabilities, confidence levels, options, and make a rational decision. I slowly realized that I am not in full control here – and 100% reliant on other experts, technology, friends and family to rely on and decided to maximize it all. This is the time for all of this to work and help me through it.
I have been actively avoiding much of external Google research, blogs and other people’s stories. While fascinating – and I know many of you have slipped there for more information – I got the basic pictures, prognosis and data from American Brain Tumor, I double checked on Mayo Clinic site and that was it. Everything else feels too personal, situational and distracting. I may be in denial but trying to keep the information flow clean and from the right sources, specific to my case.
I am strangely detached from the “what can go wrong” scenarios, taking it day by day, fact by fact. Of course things can turn out worse or go wrong but I just can’t go there right now. My rational self knows it but my sane self says, focus on the positive. The fact I don’t feel sick and have no symptoms is really helpful to keep me in this bubble. The fact I can continue doing everything I have until now, play HQ live every night at 9 pm, take my Duolingo 5 language streak 3 levels up (I have the time!) makes me feel like my brain is not impacted too much. Of course, the small doubts of “am I taking this too lightly”, “pretending it is not here”, “will I have any side effects after Thursday” flash out but are quickly pushed back. The reality of where I have been sitting for 3 days now is pretty visual.
I am grateful to my friends and family not going there either and keeping it together for me – and for Brian and the midgets. If anything, they need the support more than me – the questions, the scenarios, the overwhelming inflow of phone calls/texts – and keeping life going as normal as possible. It is amazing how differently the kids process something like this – Lucas with the factual, internal processing and outside laid back attitude – but enthusiasm for the fact that I am stuck here 3 day with my electronics!, Maxie with the sincere appreciation of the cool factor when someone will open my head, the cupcakes my friends brought for his consumption (:-) and the ignorant bubble of his 9 years old world that I wish he stays in for a while. Mia, wearing her emotions on her sleeve –
On the other hand, I am learning a lot – about hospitals, how healthcare works and a lot about very crappy daytime TV. Oh my god – did you know there are shows about international couples trying to get married in the US in 90 days b/c they have a fiance visa deadline? Yes – that is a show on TLC! I binged watched a whole season yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed rolling my eyes on how people make bad decisions, are completely culturally unaware, naive and actually think their relationship will work! But who comes up with this? I also marveled at the most spoiled brides that think buying a wedding dress for $22K is worth it – holy moly girls, you are spoiled and got your priorities elsewhere.
The staff is fantastic – the food average but better than I thought hospital food would be. The sleeping very scattered as I have way too many people coming by – for blood, IV, seizure drugs, swelling drugs, heparin shot, change of shifts, change trash, new towels, + other 5 things. But I guess that is care and I am grateful that I live in a country where I can complain about this and have access to it.
1 more day of this hanging out – I am keeping a list of all the small improvements (a bit of color in surroundings, maybe a pedicure/manicure service, small foot massage) that would make this experience a bit more tolerable – just ideas. No complaints.
Surgery on for tomorrow – here is my best friend for that day – will update on what will be going on later.